janner.org – a site dedicated to the Janner*

Hurrah. We initially had one of these super-offal “restaurants” appear in the JCU a couple of years ago. With the demise of that travel agent and Whittards Tea shop on Old Town Street, we now have a second branch of this D grade poultry chain and this time it’s nearly in the city centre. One cheer for Nandos.

Old Town Street is rapidly becoming a mecca for mid range cafes and sandwich bars (by “mid-range” I mean they don’t sell greasy tea or “all-you-can-eat-fry-ups”) – but with competition like Costa Coffee and Subway it shouldn’t be too difficult to lead the pack. Sadly the council have allowed this culinary atrocity to invade a large space in an area that should be thriving with independents like the excellent Bagatelle perched in the middle of this sea of magnolia bilge.

I am reminded of that old adage: “You can’t polish a turd. But you can roll it in glitter”.

Nandos is that steaming turd and the glitter is the authentic reproduction Portuguese/South American wood veneer that makes a Janner feel all proper posh and that.

Please remember that when you “dine” out at Nandos you aren’t that far up the tree from a KFC and a Bargain Bucket. Just add smiling waiting staff, some hot sauce and double the price.

Affectionately coined the Harrods of the South West, TJ Hughes the failed tat-store is currently closing all of its branches and the Plymouth outlet is in its final days – the final two days to be exact.

I passed by earlier today only to see gaggles of Janner zombies fighting over cut price kettles and perfumes that could blind a mole. It was ugly, it was brutal, yet it showed just how far the locals will go to snare a bargain.

I managed to get a pair of Farahs for a pound, I stole a toaster and my black eye should fade by the August Bank Holiday.

It was also great to see corporate desperation as they proudly decry in every window “all fixtures and fittings for sale”.

A new cafe has sprung up in the place of O’Briens Overpriced Handcut Sandwiches. Amazingly they’ve retained the moniker of “handcut”.

How good are these tasty treats if the best thing that you can say about them is that “they are hand cut”. How are inferior sandwiches cut into two pieces? Robot? Guillotine? By foot?

Perhaps at the next Hush marketing meeting they’ll advance the straplines with:

“Hush Sandwiches – made with two pieces of bread”, or
“Hush Sandwiches – designed for you to eat”

Let me know if you come up with any other gems.

Amazingly no mention of Dewdnies or Caspian Fish Bar and none of the five participants were drinking a nice 2006 chilled WKD. Check out the three men and two women as they get down and dirty, managing to create all sorts of things from locally sourced offal.

come dine with me

Barry Chuckle, the older and more attractive half of the comedy duo The Chuckle Brothers has died in Plymouth.

Barry will best be remembered for his pioneering work in child attentiveness with popular classics such as “To me, to you” – initially a song but what was to become Mr Chuckle’s signature call, echoed by students, children and the mentally ill across the country.

Previous reports that Barry had died in a love tryst with a prostitute called Stinky were unfounded and only sought to blight his life.

Barry leaves his partner of seventeen years Gordon, five labradors and a wealth of adoring fans desperate for their next fix of Chucklevision.

Here’s a chap who knows how to speak Janner, and definitely, most positively, in no-way is a gayer.

Janner on YouTube

A WHITLEIGH man was ordered by Plymouth magistrates to pay more than £100 compensation for urinating over a pile of chocolate in a city supermarket.

Gabriel Aspinall, of Hereford Road, yesterday pleaded guilty to causing criminal damage.

The 24-year-old had been arrested by police on the evening of April 1 following an incident at the Tesco Extra store in Ebrington Street.

Aspinall was ordered to pay £106.70 compensation to Tesco. He was conditionally discharged for 12 months.